In the light of the recent suicide of JNU MPhil scholar Muthukrishnan that the campus community is still reeling under, the question of mental health in the campus space has come to the fore once again. In a space that has thousands of students living and working under relatively similar and mutually familiar conditions of academic and socio-cultural structures, it is appalling to discover just how many people are suffering under some form of mental health problem or the other, and most of the time, completely unbeknownst to most of the people they share their everyday spaces with. There isn’t much happening by way of starting a (much needed) detailed conversation on how to tackle this issue, and this article is my small attempt to kick-start that very conversation.

There is a new, rather heartening trend on Facebook. People post messages on their walls letting the world know that they are aware of mental health issues or suicidal tendencies (depending on the ‘week’ they are looking to commemorate), inviting their friends to come and talk to them in case they are going through an emotional or psychological crisis and need help and support of any kind, starting with a non-judgemental listener.

It is great to see the wave of support promised to you on Facebook. I believe many of them mean it too. But speaking from personal experience, for anyone going through depression or anxiety or any other mental health issue, it is often too much of an effort to just get through the day doing what is required of you. To make up your mind to seek out a compassionate listener, even from a crowd of friends, is a daunting prospect, let alone from objective strangers posing as friends on Facebook. It has to do with a host of insecurities stemming from your present state of mind as well as to the stigma people associate with mental health issues, that makes the fear of being judged, or mocked, or dismissed as an attention seeker a prime deterrent to approaching a purportedly supportive listener for a person suffering from mental health issues.

What is even more heartbreaking for such a person is that once they have found the courage to speak out about their problems to someone, the listener may just end up reacting with silence or by a change of topic. It has led me to realise that it is not so much that the friend in such situations does not care for the person concerned, than it is the fact that people have no idea how to respond to admissions of mental health, or how to talk to or treat a mental health patient in a practical situation. Why this is so, is fairly obvious. In a country where any psychological issue is dumped under the blanket term of craziness and is tabooized to the extent that nobody talks about it at the dinner table, the lack of awareness about these issues extends to a lack of skills one requires to deal with a person suffering from any these conditions, thus condemning that person into an intensified whirlpool of the agony, sense of rejection and desolation that they were originally suffering from, which may finally culminate in self destructive silence, even suicide.

For the patient, extending one’s hand for support may propel them further into their illness if the friend they reach out to misses a beat and responds inappropriately, or worse, is scared away into not responding at all. A momentary sense of discomfort, awkwardness, hesitation or even a well-meaning feeling of being ill equipped to deal with the challenge thrown your way, on the part of the friend being reached out to, may result in an exponentially negative effect on the mental health patient – a person only looking for a little bit of an emotional anchor to lift themselves from the pit of gloom sucking them in. It is also necessary to mention here that the first contact person for the depressive has a crucial role to play: they can offer them love and support, of course, but they also become the person who can gauge whether the problem is mild or needs professional attention, and if the latter, they get to be the person who convince the patient to seek help from the counsellor or psychotherapist. They get to take them for their treatment. They get to save a life that trusts them with their pain and secrets. They get to be a good friend and a good person; one that people can lean on in their time of need.

But this is not so easy. People nowadays tend to focus primarily on themselves and try to steer clear of getting involved in other people’s businesses, which works very well for many people on many occasions, but not all the time. Case in point, when someone needs for you to help them. Many may wonder why they must be the one to help this person. Why not anybody else in the world at all? This kind of apathy contributes directly to exacerbating this, and many others, problems that we face in our nuclear lives today. Won’t we all be in some kind of trouble sometime or other? Won’t we need the love and support of the people around us at that time? So why desist from extending your hand to someone who needs it too, even when they are not explicitly asking for it in so many words?

You may wonder that despite having the best of intentions, the problem still persists: you don’t actually know what to do when you discover – or suspect – that somebody you know may be going through depression. (I have been writing more specifically about depression than any other condition in this article as that is the one I have extensive first-hand knowledge about.)  Well, I can offer you some pointers to begin with.

Firstly, try to re-imagine your surroundings as part of a community that you belong to. It forges a sense of solidarity and empathy for those people who may not be related to you, but who you share your day to day environment, and germs, with.

Secondly, if you notice anyone behaving out of the ordinary, even if it is someone you are not particularly close to, please make an effort to have a conversation with them. You may not realise it, but sometimes even a casual ‘How are you? Are you doing ok?’ – in other words, feeling that someone has noticed them and cares enough to ask – makes a huge difference to the other person. These are simple, non intrusive questions, and even if you ask them to someone who is not depressed or generally going through a bad time, it will not lead to an awkward silence or embarrassing moment of any kind.

Thirdly, if they say they are ok but don’t seem so to you, talk to someone who is close to them and ask them to check on them. Alternately, try talking to them about it a few days later. If they do admit to having a problem, please listen to what they have to say without offering any judgement or unsolicited advice. Nothing is more irksome to a person who is talking about their feelings, than to be told stuff that they have heard and thought about a few hundred times anyway. Just offer them your ears, some empathy and a warm hug. And maybe a cup of tea, that always helps.

Fourthly, once they open their hearts and minds up to you, try and cheer them up. Going out and doing something you don’t usually do together is a good way to start. The distraction and sense of newness adds to their excitement, will forge a bond of friendship between the two of you, and will hopefully benefit both of you. If that does not seem to work as well as you’d hoped, gently suggesting professional help (keeping in mind that most people may take offence to that suggestion) and convincing that person to seek it would be the next step to take. Do remember to be neither too intrusive nor too distant though. Consistency in behaviour is the key. Even if they want the distance, please do not disappear completely from their lives. That sends the wrong signals.

Finally, just continue to be a good friend to everyone. Read up more on the topic. Listen to what people are saying – or not saying – when they talk to you. Empathise with the people who populate your world. Hug each other more often. It is not as tough or depressing a task as it sounds when you do start doing what you need to for the people around you. If you cannot help someone, please find somebody who can. Be a joy to the people who live, work and exist around you. Because they need you, just as you need them too, irrespective of how many friends or family members you may have anyway. Let us all join hands and bring in a little more sunshine into each others’ lives. Let us try to become a community that gives the people around us a place and an environment to comfortably share their woes, fears and troubles with us, before it is too late. Because while it is the very least we can do, it still has the potential to make a world of difference to someone. A lifetime of a difference.

For Mani

The way I see it, faith in any cosmic power is always a matter of choice. It is not about whether or not god exists, but- in the face of all the 'evidence' and 'logic' we are inundated with, that defends either position while debunking the other with nauseating regularity- about whether or not we actively choose to believe in a god-like entity, for whatever reason. And that choice gives us the spiritual strength that ultimately helps us attain all that we wish for. 

It is not a subconscious decision either, despite what some may claim. When someone says that they have always believed in god and will continue to do so no matter what, and that they have reaped the rewards of their faith, they are making a strong stand to defend their worldview, an active choice to believe in a protective power that will watch over them and ensure their well-being in the long run, in spite of all the trouble and misfortune one encounters and experiences in life . 

It is not a question of superstition/religiosity Vs scientific fact/rationality either, a dichotomy created and played upon for centuries, but a question of how one perceives the world, of how one chooses to read, analyse, understand and accept the multiple disconnected events of our lives and the world at large to come to a conclusion that is both comprehensible to and compatible with our material and mental orientation.

They say that faith and doubt go hand in hand; that faith does not guarantee peace and happiness, but gives you the strength to tide over troubled times. If you believe in a higher power, it will be tested through hardships, and you will have to find the strength to battle with your doubts and re-appropriate your faith, making it more resilient than ever before. 

I would say that all of this again boils down to choice- the choice to keep believing, to keep praying, to keep following the rituals that you always have in the hopes that god will listen to you. The choice to not let misfortune waver your conviction, no matter how difficult it is to hold on to your faith in those times. Because faith and prayers have never been about a bargain with god: it is about persisting in your faith despite everything, using all your mental power to realign the positive energy vibes towards yourself and those you hold dear, and actively ensuring your well-being thus. Much as we want to believe it, there is actually nobody up there looking after us; it is our conviction in a super power that gives us the power to protect and bless those we love. And it is up to those of us who had this precious faith to not let go of that protective power that shielded us for so long, especially in the wake of misfortunes, when one needs that shield and its positive vibes all the more. 

Doubt strengthens faith. Faith strengthens those who have it, as well as those they love. And when one has almost lost it is when one needs it the most. So stand up and reclaim it. Choose to not let it go. Let the healing process begin.

Ruins...Ruminations...

With a new innings in life comes new friends, new pressures, new expectations, new rules to help negotiate those expectations with least harm to oneself.....and old insecurities. The insecurity that you might be turning into someone you despised, that you might be inflicting the same wound on others that was once inflicted upon yourself, etc. You feel you're on the other side of the fence for once, being part of the 'inside' crowd instead of that-girl-who-sits-by-the-window, yet simultaneously fearing that your new friends will discover your inner monster (the one that alienated you from others once close to you) soon, very soon, and things will go back to the way they have been for you all these years. That the newness will be but a replica of the old sense of pain, rejection, loneliness, of putting up a brave face while writhing in confusion and self doubt, and the fear that what you are causing to happen for someone else (though for completely justified reasons) will come back soon to bite you in the ass, hard.

Does your sense of self-realization (and the confidence that arises out of it in that particular phase of your life) help you sail through this new chapter of your life, changing your recurrent destiny through your change in attitude, or do your insecurities come into play and upset the balance?

Is it these insecurities that colour your reactions and responses, giving them nuances that you never intended to convey to the people you want to build bridges with? Or leaving innocuous yet precarious cracks in your well-constructed exterior of the Strong, Indestructible Self you constantly try to project? Or is it just part of your basic nature to keep committing the same mistake over and over again, despite all your promises to yourselves to the contrary, despite all your cautiousness, your attempts to do things differently? Or is it that

these aren't mistakes at all, but a way to keep us true to your closest selves, so we don't turn into cold, asocial creatures desperate to feel no pain, and in the process lose out on the chance to feel warmth, affection and friendship too? Is it the universe's way to make up for all that it's taken from you? Or the preparation for a bigger lesson, a bigger gift? 

One will never know, I guess, even after it does happen. For, paraphrasing Dumbledore, the consequences of our actions are so varied and far-reaching that one can never trace it back to their real cause, which makes the karma theory rather a tough one to grapple with. For, how does one figure out if what one goes through is a punishment or a boon, a blessing in disguise, for a past action of kindness or rudeness or just one another thing to happen in your life, like many others, devoid of the simplistic dichotomy of good or bad and their associated connotations and consequences?

People

The sexy girl who struts down the street before you,
The harried receptionist who snaps at you in the office,
The quiet girl who sits at the back of the class trying
not to get offended when you tease her,
The maid who screeches at you for no apparent reason,
The glamorous actor whose latest relationship
is the snack you choose to have with your evening tea,
The housewives who meet to gossip every evening,
The girl in a short skirt entering a pub with her friends,
The lady grocer haggling with you for 50 paise,
The little girl who cries when you snatch away her chocolate,
The old bed-ridden lady who awaits with empty eyes
the attention of her loving but busy family,
The society lady who indulges herself in mindless parties all year,
The teenage girl who angrily demands her mother
not interfere in her personal affairs any more,
The wife who seems to submit herself to all her husband's
irrational demands, never defending herself in the process,
The mother who misses her child's function to attend a meeting,
The woman who laughs and jokes openly with her male friends,
The lover who jealously refuses to let her guy talk to any other girl,
The prostitute down the 'shady road' you shudder to lock eyes with,

Before you judge them,
Criticize them,
Ogle at them,
Sneer at their lifestyle,
choices,
attire, and
behaviour,
Please remember

We are not talking about Women here.
We are talking about People, people with their own stories,
Stories of pain, struggles, compromise and a desire
To enjoy their lives as they try to meet expectations, to succeed.

Accept them. Understand them. Respect them. Love them.
Do not try to glorify or demonize them.
After all, they are Humans, just like you and me.
And if we deserve all of the above, so do they.

Anal-ysis

It's funny how every person is anal in their own quirky way, and yet is convinced of their complete normalcy with respect to others. This, as expected, leads to us being judgemental of others (in various degrees, of course; anybody who tells you they are not judgemental at all is lying through their teeth)- their actions, words, attire, culture, habits and nature- often being ridiculously oblivious to the fact that they are being subjected to the same by the same- or different- people. It's funnier how people with similar cultural backgrounds tend to be more abrasive of each other, especially if they come from different geographical locations, as though they fail to note where their similarity begins and where it ends, thus creating a series of misplaced expectations upon each other that- even in the case of a very minor slip-up- tends to create occasion for undeserved snide remarks and harsh, spiteful scrutiny on the part of the one(s) seemingly wronged towards the other.
In this context, I think of a person who prided herself on her sarcastic (witty in her words) tongue, symptomatic of the disease in the liberal, intellectual climate of a cosmopolitan university where one feels the need to distinguish themselves from others to such an extent that they choose friends from a very narrow social spectrum that they aspire towards, so as to distance themselves from the other kind- the uncool types (rather a large and diverse category in itself for each individual)- that they shudder to identify themselves with. The freedom to choose friends and bond with them strongly in a competitive environment gives rise to insecurities (often very well-camouflaged) that one then tries to mitigate through words- abrasive, cutting, spiteful, damaging and sometimes downright cruel- targetted on those deemed weaker than oneself by one of many standards, hence basing those new bonds on the carcasses of others- the less important ones. The 'wit' I talk about becomes a tool for elimination, sometimes with methods that can be considered brutal and random, so as to project and protect an image of the self that one tries to build, distancing oneself from the one they were born and grew up with, that which connects them closest to their roots. To prop oneself up, one needs to balance oneself on somebody else, possibly crushing them in the process, and some people thrive in using this method repeatedly to build their lives, irrespective of how competitive the atmosphere gets; sometimes it is just a habit one enjoys too much to get rid of it.
The idea behind this piece was not to judge this breed, of whom I am undoubtedly a part too, at some level (though, as we both agree, that purpose did not quite get served in this piece). The point is to suggest that "what goes around comes around", ie, there's a very good chance how you treat someone today- inadvertently or not- will come back to bite you in the ass quite soon. So before we decide to snap at the next person, presumably to their faces, let us sit back and ponder about how we'd feel if targetted the same way by someone else, attacked by our worst fears thrown unceremoniously at our faces through someone's 'subtle' actions and gestures. Because if we won't like it, they won't in all likeliness either, and if we don't seriously need to hurt somebody, why waste your energy spreading grudge, hatred and resentment against you in somebody's heart, huh? Is it honestly worth it for ourselves?
PS: A million apologies for the moralistic tone in the last para. I promise something lighter in the next post. Thank you for reading my blog. Cheers :)

In a multicultural, multilingual diaspora like India, the fetish for parochialism, though highly ironic at one level, is disturbingly relate-able at a deeper, more subconscious level. Much like the iconic iceberg from the movie Titanic, the parochial attitude shows but its tip on the surface of daily social interaction; covered under the veneer of cosmopolitan civility lies a strong, deep-rooted and almost insurmountable sense of regional identity in most Indians, that informs both the sense of belonging and of insecurity that characterize these people, and influence the way they attempt to position themselves with regard to their respective regional communities, while maneuvering life in the cosmopolitan, globalized world.

The question of defining one's personal identity along regional lines- by identifying certain key aspects of life as a member of a particular socioeconomic and geopolitical community, and trying to model one's behaviour and beliefs according to those perceived standards- in an attempt to 'belong' more completely to that group comes, most ironically, as a response to the Constitutional call to construct a 'national', secular identity for oneself in the public space. In a country like India, which boasts of innumerable ethnic groups, linguistic groups, tribes and religious minorities, not to mention the various caste-based classifications, all of which constitute the social fabric of the country- much like the patchwork quilt where some patterns overlap, yet remain stubbornly distinct from the other- the category of  'the Indian', and the 'Indianness' of the qualities that need necessarily characterize such a group of people remains forever elusive, and notorious for the exclusion of some group or the other by its mere definition. This confusion over a national identity gets further complicated for a person when confronted with the globalizing world and its attendant ethos, liberal in tone yet bringing home to us the fundamentalist undertones of discourses from various corners of the world, including the deceptively inclusive-sounding rhetoric of some 'liberal' countries. Confronted by a combination of such distorted, fragmented worlds competing to find precedence in one's life and consciousness, one set of beliefs seemingly threatening the validity of another, one tends to seek ideological refuge in that which has remained, for that individual, static, stable, immutable and unchallengeable since their childhood. What is subjective and open to doubt, discussion and a possible change in one's opinion or mindset (while intellectually and spiritually desirable), is often then overridden for the reassurance of solid and unchangeable facts, the learnt rejected for the imbibed, and acquired cosmopolitan tastes gently nudged out, in the subconscious, by the inherent affinity towards the local, the homely, the parochial. This in turn results in the 'othering' of any socio-cultural group that differs even slightly from one's own, alienating and demonising these 'others' to the advantage of one's own customs and beliefs, so as to validate the superiority of one's community in one's own as well as collective psyche, thus reinforcing the sense of security and belonging that emotionally binds one to their region/community of birth, leaving no room for confusion or conflict in this one, basic identity that they create for themselves.

It is this sense of allegiance to the regional in Indians that, at times, shows itself subconsciously in daily parlance, reflecting the irrationality of herd mentality (voting in reality shows, for instance), and at others, appears in the most deplorably obvious political propagandas (the demand for statehood for Telangana and Gorkhaland, for instance). In either form, it always remains successful in undermining the narrative of the nation as a unity, and brings forth questions not just about whether every aspect in India is to be legitimately judged through the lens of parochialism at all times, irrespective of its relevance, but also about whether regional biases, achievements and grievances have not in fact become an acceptable line of argument in India, legitimizing and, in fact, even creating grounds for otherwise unfounded causes of disagreement.

While the complexity of the parochial question in India has barely been touched upon in this piece, I have attempted to understand the politics of locating one's identity along regional lines in this nation, and through this, to ask one question to my readers: In the absence of a unified national identity and presence of increasing political manipulation of public sentiments for the cause of the vernacular/region, will the nation of India lose its political identity itself?